The Amazing, Highly Nutritious, Pizza Story
by Vi1
Summary: Pizza...the source of all great battles, Join our three favorite, well, maybe not ours, but you know who I mean...in this pointless piece of fictionCOMPLETE!
1. Pizza all around!

"Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Voldemort laughed. "This is the GREATEST plan yet! Potter will be defeated this time!" The Death Eaters laughed at this, all happy that the Potter boy would finally be going down.  
  
"Master, you letter is being delivered.but.um.we were wondering." Malfoy said.  
  
"WHAT?" Voldemort shrieked.  
  
"Can we have some of that pizza?" he asked.  
  
"NO! CRUCIO!" Voldemort shrieked. Malfoy was at once on the ground.shrieking and twitching. "This is too good for you!"  
  
Harry stared blankly at the flickering fireplace in the Gryffindor Common room. There was a terrible screaming in the background, which gave it an eerie effect. Hermione and Ron were terribly worried about him for he had just received a letter from the horrible Dark Lord, Voldemort.  
  
"Harry.we know this is quite upsetting.please.tell us what's on your mind." Hermione piped up.  
  
"Yeah.can we read the letter?" Ron asked, eager to go on another adventure.  
  
"RON!" Hermione snapped, but Harry nodded.  
  
Hermione, now eager too, grabbed the letter and read aloud.  
  
"I will get you Potter.my plan is finally coming together.soon, you will be dead!  
  
Ps. I have stolen that pizza you ordered last night! Muh-ha-ha-ha!"  
  
The note was written in pizza sauce and was not signed.  
  
"Harry, you'll be safe, nothing will happen, I promise!" Hermione said.  
  
"Yeah, we're here with you all the way!" Ron said.  
  
"No.it's not that.he's stupid and I can defeat him any day!" Harry snapped.  
  
"Well, what's wrong?" they both asked.  
  
"HE STOLE MY PIZZA!" Harry wailed. "They don't serve pizza here and I've been craving it! My meat lovers pizza.in HIS stomach! I can't bear it! I want MY PIZZA!"  
  
Hermione and Ron stared at him blankly and quite confused.  
  
"We'll.umm.order you another one.umm," Ron said, trying to hold in laughter.  
  
"NO, IT WON'T BE THE SAME PIZZA!" Harry shouted. By now, the whole common room was staring.  
  
"YEAH! HE'S RIGHT!" Fred yelled. Everyone was agreeing with Harry, to Ron and Hermione's disbelief.  
  
"What? It's just a pizza!" Hermione yelled.  
  
"No one steals a PIZZA!" a first year yelled.  
  
"STOP IT!" Ron protested, getting a little frightened.  
  
"IT'S UNHUMAIN!"  
  
"I'd rather DIE than loose a pizza!"  
  
"What is wrong with you?" Hermione snapped.  
  
"Yeah.what's going on?" Ron shouted. The common room then grew dead quite and everyone stared at Ron and Hermione.  
  
"You unfeeling git!" Ginny screamed. "Don't you see.Harry's lost a PIZZA.A PIZZA!"  
  
"Yeah!" everyone yelled.  
  
"You suck!"  
  
"And you call yourselves Harry's friends!" George snapped.  
  
"What? IT'S A PIZZA! A PIZZA!"  
  
"Yeah, why else would this be such an issue?" Parvati asked.  
  
"I'm going to bed!" Hermione announced and ran upstairs. A pizza? This had to be some sort of cruel joke. How could this mean so much. Harry Potter was just playing with her and she didn't appreciate it. Well, it ought to pass in the morning, she thought as she got ready for bed. Soon, she was in deep sleep, not thinking of Harry or his Meat Lovers Pizza.  
  
"I have some terrible news," Dumbledore said, standing up. The whole Great Hall got to a dead silence.  
  
"Harry Potter received a note from the Dark Lord last night." Dumbledore began to cry."He.his.PIZZA WAS STOLEN!"  
  
Everyone but Harry, Ron and Hermione gasped at this shocking news.  
  
"EVEN I WOULD NEVER STEAL HIS PIZZA!" Draco Malfoy shouted out. The Slytherins were also outraged with this news. Hermione's mouth dropped and Ron stared blankly around the Great Hall. Snape was so shocked, he even yelled his apology to Harry, McGonagal was in tears and Draco was protesting. Cho ran over and hugged Harry, swearing that she'd get the madman who did this.  
  
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Ron shouted, climbing on the table.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" Dumbledore asked him.  
  
"It's a pizza! Just a pizza! I don't get it! Is this a joke? Who cares about a PIZZA? It's not even that GOOD!" There was another gasp from the crowd and soon, food came flying from every direction and hit Ron.  
  
"YOU PIZZA HATER!" Lavender Brown shouted.  
  
"HE PROBABLY COULDN'T EVER AFFORD IT!" Draco yelled, throwing a biscuit at Ron.  
  
"OW!" Ron yelped as he dove under the table.  
  
"I thought you were my friend Ron." Harry said to him, quietly.  
  
"It's just a pizza! Aren't you worried? He has a plan to KILL you!"  
  
"He always does.I can handle that.but.I'll never be able to save my PIZZA!" Harry began to sob.  
  
"If it means that much to you.Hermione and I will go save your pizza," Ron sighed, utterly confused.  
  
"You mean it?" Harry asked, clearly touched.  
  
"Yes, I." Ron said, but soon Harry was hugging him tightly, crying on his shoulder. Ron, confused, patted him on the back.  
  
"Yes, it's ok.we'll avenge your pizza." Ron whispered. Hermione, suddenly feeling all-sentimental, joined the hug.  
  
"Awwww," everyone in the Great Hall sighed.  
  
"You three have permission to go forth and save the pizza!" Dumbledore announced. Everyone was now cheering and Harry was smiling broadly as if his greatest wish had come true.  
  
"You know.I don't get it...but.it is kind of sweet." Hermione whispered to Ron.  
  
"Hey.now I want some pizza!" Ron whined. Hermione rolled her eyes and the three of them walked out of the Great Hall and went to prepare to avenge the pizza.  
  
"PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA!" everyone was chanting as they left.  
  
"So, you ready to go boys?" Hermione asked as she put a back pack on.  
  
"What's in the bag?" Ron asked.  
  
"Spell books.and, a little something special for Harry," she said, blushing. She pulled out the "Big Spell Book of Pizzas." Harry smiled and hugged her.  
  
"Thanks Mione!" He kissed her lightly on the cheek and then headed for the portrait hole. "Well, let's go!"  
  
Hermione was blushing furiously as she walked to the portrait hole, dragging a still very confused Ron behind her.  
  
"Well, here we go!" Harry said as the three of them left the common room.  
  
It was a lovely night, the stars were shining and the moon was full. Harry wasn't pleased though. This pizza thing was getting way out of hand.  
  
They began to walk into the forbidden forest, where it was rumored that Voldemort was staying.  
  
"So, where do you think he'll be?" Ron asked.getting nervous.  
  
"Follow the scent of pizza," Harry said, getting serious. Ron sighed, but followed Harry. Hermione sniffed the air and then smiled.  
  
"Harry! It's this way!" Hermione said.  
  
"How'd you know that?" they both asked.  
  
"Oh, I have a nose for pizza.it used to be my favorite food and I can smell it from a mile away!" Hermione said, full of pride. "This way, follow me!"  
  
Ron stared and Harry smiled, running after her. Ron soon followed, but, it took him a while to catch up.  
  
They ran for an hour before seeing a man in a black cloak. Harry stunned him and Hermione and Ron dragged him behind a big tree.  
  
"Acio," Hermione said. The Death Eater woke and stared.  
  
"Where's my pizza?" Harry growled.  
  
"Umm.I don't know!" the Death Eater sobbed.  
  
"Yes you do.where is that pizza thief, Voldemort?" Harry asked.  
  
"He's.straight ahead.You can't miss it! I hate him! He wouldn't give me any pizza!" Harry recognized the voice as Mr. Malfoy's.  
  
"Thank you, sir," Hermione said politely. Ron looked at her.  
  
"You just always have to be perfect, don't you?" he asked, disgusted. She smiled and nodded.  
  
Harry stunned him and the three of them walked straight ahead. Soon, they saw Voldemort and by his side, the box of pizza. Harry stared at Voldemort with a burning hate, but not for long. He soon fell, stunned from an attack from the behind. Hermione and Ron quickly turned around to see fifteen Death Eaters behind them. They dropped their wands out of fear and then were stunned too.  
  
Hermione was the first to awake. She and Ron were tied up back to back and gagged. Ron woke up next, shocked, screaming muffled screams.  
  
"You stupid children," Voldemort laughed. "I win!"  
  
Harry was nowhere to be seen. Voldemort ungagged Hermione.  
  
"Where's Harry?" she gasped.  
  
"WHERE'S HARRY?"  
  
Harry woke up and found himself gagged, tied and blindfolded, but he could smell the alluring scent of his meat lover's pizza. He struggled, but it was no use, he was trapped, so close yet so far away.  
  
"Potter," Voldemort whispered in his ear. "Smells good, doesn't it? It tasted very good, but, I saved half of it.just for you." Voldemort ripped of the blindfold and Harry blinked. He was tied to a tree and could not move at all and just in front of him was half of his pizza, still hot and fresh.  
  
Voldemort picked up a slice and held it an inch from Harry's face and then took a bite of it. Harry whimpered as he saw his prize being devoured by that being of evil. I will get you, he thought, craving his pizza.  
  
"Now what are you going to do?" Voldemort laughed after finishing the piece of pizza. "Poor Harry Potter, defenseless.you are gonna die." Harry struggled against the ropes, but they were too tight.  
  
"BRING ME THE CHILDREN!" Voldemort shrieked.  
  
Hermione and Ron found themselves being dragged to where Voldemort had gone five minutes ago. Hermione was in tears and Ron was still confused.  
  
"Welcome!" Voldemort said as they were set down next to Harry, Ron facing Harry and Hermione facing the other way.  
  
"Harry's pizza," Hermione whispered. "You are such a strange man.who steals a pizza?"  
  
"I do," Voldemort said, getting a little annoyed.  
  
"A pizza? I mean.why did not you kidnap one of us.that would have been better bait."  
  
"Well, he wouldn't have come if I took one of you.would you?"  
  
Voldemort ripped the gag off Harry. "He's got a point," Harry said.  
  
"WHAT?" Hermione shrieked. "A pizza! You can always get a pizza! But.your best friends?"  
  
"You can never replace the perfection of a pizza, you can always get new best friends," Voldemort said to her, ungagging Ron.  
  
"Harry? I understand Ronco cookers.but.a pizza? Come on!" Ron was clearly confused, but he still had an obsession with Ronco Cookers. Hermione rolled her eyes and looked at Voldemort.  
  
"You've messed with Harry's mind! You messed with the whole SCHOOLS minds!" Hermione shouted.  
  
"Very good.but.you were too smart, so it didn't work on you and Weasley.well, he hasn't got a mind to "mess" with."  
  
"What?" Ron said. "Sorry, I wasn't listening."  
  
"See my point?"  
  
"Yes," Hermione said.  
  
"But, no matter.I've won.you see.I made everyone have a crazy obsession with pizza for I knew that Harry had just ordered one. I kidnapped his pizza and then wrote the letter, which I knew would lure him here and.well.here he is.the Famous Harry Potter.caught by pizza!" Voldemort laughed softly and Hermione scowled.  
  
"What was that.I don't get it!" Ron said. "Why pizza?"  
  
"You are clever.I give you that.but.now what do you plan to do?" Hermione snarled.  
  
"First, I'm gonna finish my pizza."  
  
It took Voldemort an hour to eat the rest of the pizza. They sat there, watching in total shock. Harry was so mad, wanting his pizza increasingly by the minute and Ron and Hermione stared, not knowing what to do.  
  
"So, what about the minds of everyone?" Hermione asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" Voldemort snapped.  
  
"I mean.are you gonna leave them like that?"  
  
"Why not.pizza is a good thing.ah.I love it! Maybe I could get Dumbledore like this."  
  
"HEY! You!" a Death Eater shouted.  
  
"What?" Voldemort shrieked.  
  
"I want PIZZA!" Soon, hoards of Death Eaters were attacking Voldemort. One even untied Harry, who untied Ron and Hermione. The three of them ran far away from the mess. After a half an hour, they stopped, completely out of breathe.  
  
"Now to break this charm!" Hermione panted, raising her wand.  
  
"I had the weirdest dream," Harry said to Ron the next morning.  
  
"Really?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yea.I was obsessed with pizza!" Harry sat on the edge of the bed, staring at Ron. Ron laughed at this.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing.just.pizza?" Ron asked, thinking about last night's events. He didn't remember.not at all.  
  
"Yea, weird huh? I'd save pizza over you.well, that could never happen," Harry said, smiling a little.  
  
Ron laughed again. "Yep, Harry, that would never ever happen!"  
  
"I mean.pizza?" Harry said. "Voldemort stole my pizza.weird huh? You know.I never got that pizza I ordered last night.hmm.oh well."  
  
"Yeah, weird."  
  
"What are you boys doing?" Hermione was in the boys' dorm.  
  
"You can't be in here Mione.," Harry said. Ron threw a pillow at her and she threw it back.  
  
"Guess what I've heard?" Hermione said, sitting next to Harry.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We're having a Meat Lover's Pizza for dinner tonight." Ron and Hermione collapsed in laughter at this, leaving Harry and the rest of the school in the dark. 


	2. Pizzaextra toppings

Harry, Hermione and Ron enjoyed the rest of the day, up until dinnertime.  
  
"Students, we are having a new dish tonight, Meat Lovers Pizza.I've had a craving for it since that strange dream I had." Dumbledore then sat down and a buzz went through the Great Hall.  
  
"I had a weird dream too!" Fred said.  
  
"It was about.pizza!" Colin Creevy commented.  
  
"Me too," Harry said. "And.I lost my pizza."  
  
"HEY! I HAD THAT SAME DREAM!" Ginny shrieked. "There must be a conspiracy!"  
  
Soon, the whole Great Hall was outraged about the "conspiracy" and the pizza.  
  
"You FREAK!" Cho Chang screamed. "You put this into our heads!"  
  
"No.honestly!" Dumbledore said. "SILENCE!" The whole Great Hall went silent.  
  
"Now, I had this dream too.Why would I give it to myself?"  
  
Hermione and Ron then burst out laughing. Everyone turned to face them and they grew silent.  
  
"Umm.it was HERMIONE!" Ron shouted. Hermione slapped him.  
  
"It was NOT me!" Hermione snapped. "It was You-Know-Who!" Everyone gasped, including Harry.  
  
"What?" Harry asked. "Voldemort?" Everyone flinched at the name. "You mean.you knew.and you didn't tell me!"  
  
"Well.it was funny!" Ron squeaked. Hermione slapped him again.  
  
"We didn't have the heart to tell you.and.it wasn't just a dream.it really happened." Hermione blushed and lowered her head.  
  
"What?!" Harry shrieked. The whole school was in a state of panic about the Dark Lord.and that panic grew as Hermione told the story.  
  
"You mean.here in this forest?"  
  
"Master.you summoned me here?" Draco Malfoy asked as he arrived in the forest.  
  
"I need you to do something for me." Voldemort said.  
  
"What is it?" Draco asked.  
  
"Well, my Death Eaters have discovered something.Harry has ordered another pizza.though, this time it is pepperoni.I want that pizza! You must get it for me!"  
  
"But.again?" Draco asked. "He isn't in love with pizza anymore though!"  
  
"No, this time I'll only curse him.just him.and he'll come.and you will make sure you catch Weasley and Granger before Harry gets to me."  
  
"But.even I would never steal a pizza!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, I can't go back on my word.in part one I said even I would never steal a pizza!.  
  
"Harry Potter received a note from the Dark Lord last night." Dumbledore began to cry."He.his.PIZZA WAS STOLEN!"  
  
Everyone but Harry, Ron and Hermione gasped at this shocking news.  
  
"EVEN I WOULD NEVER STEAL HIS PIZZA!" Draco Malfoy shouted out.  
  
.see, I said that!"  
  
"Oh.hmm.that's a problem.well.TOO BAD!" Voldemort shrieked. "I want that PIZZA! GET ME HIS PIZZA!"  
  
Harry sat up in the common room, staring at the fire.this time he wasn't worried about pizza, but he was sad his friends didn't tell him the truth and that Voldemort was so near.  
  
"Harry.we're so sorry!" Hermione said.  
  
"It was funny though!" Ron laughed. For the third time, Hermione slapped him hard across the face.  
  
"Why.and how?" Harry asked.  
  
"How he did it? He put a charm on you all and you became hooked to pizza.well.Harry?" Hermione looked at his eyes.they turned a pizza sauce red and then back to the beautiful green they usually were.  
  
"Where is that PIZZA I ordered?" Harry snapped at Hermione.  
  
"He's gone berserk again Mione!" Ron whimpered, slowly edging behind a chair.  
  
"Harry!" Hermione shrieked.  
  
"What a loser.I hate Pizza!" Parvati snapped as she walked past.  
  
"It's just him!" Hermione sighed with relief.  
  
"So." Ron said, scared tremendously. "It's still bad!"  
  
"Yes.well, at least he is the minority and Dumbledore can actually help us." Hermione grabbed Ron and made him help her drag Harry to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"I can't do anything." Dumbledore said sadly as he watched Harry look around his office for a pizza.  
  
"WHAT?" Hermione and Ron shrieked.  
  
"Voldemort is a very powerful wizard.I cannot break the spell." Dumbledore said  
  
"But, I broke it!" Hermione snapped.  
  
"Yes.but the charm was weaker because one man did it to a whole school.the charm didn't have such a concentrated target.now.it is hopeless."  
  
"Oh." Hermione sighed and then looked at Harry.  
  
"I WANT MY PIZZA!" Harry screamed at them.  
  
"I'm sorry Harry, no pizza," Dumbledore said calmly.  
  
"WHAT?" Harry shrieked. "I'm going to get my PIZZA!"  
  
"No!" the three of them screamed, but Harry was gone and there was a hole in the window.  
  
"Oh great, here we go again." Ron sighed. Hermione lifted her hand. "Don't hit me!" Hermione slapped him anyway.  
  
Draco watched Harry climb down to the ground from Dumbledore's office. Now he had to get Weasley and Granger. He stared at the pizza in his hand. Harry's pizza.  
  
"I can't steal a pizza." he whispered to himself.  
  
"But I can't disobey Voldemort." What should I do, he thought.  
  
"MY PIZZA! I should have known Malfoy!"  
  
Hermione and Ron ran out to the grounds, calling Harry's name.  
  
"Well, it's cold." Ron said turning around. Hermione grabbed him and slapped him yet again.  
  
"Ow! Stop it!" Ron screamed.  
  
"Why.until you get smarter, you get slapped," Hermione snapped.  
  
"Fine." Ron said. "So, where could he be?"  
  
"Dunno.HARRY?" Hermione screamed.  
  
Harry heard Hermione and Ron's screams, but did not care. He had Malfoy right where he wanted him.  
  
"I've got you now.Malfoy?" Harry stared down, and then looked around. Draco and his pizza were gone.  
  
"Damn!" Harry said as he ran out into the woods after him.  
  
Draco ran as fast as he could until he reached Voldemort.  
  
"Here is the pizza." he panted.  
  
"Good.now get the Granger girl and that Weasley boy!" Voldemort commanded. "NOW!"  
  
With that, Draco sighed and ran off, cursing under his breath.  
  
Hermione and Ron walked into the forest and soon were very deep into the woods.  
  
"We're lost," Ron said. Hermione slapped him across the face. Ron by now had a bruise on his cheek and was getting rather annoyed.  
  
"Well, we have to find Harry," Hermione said.  
  
"HARRY!" Ron and Hermione screamed. Hermione then slapped Ron.  
  
"HEY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" Ron asked.  
  
"You were being too loud!" Hermione hissed. He was being too loud? She was screaming too. Now he was really mad.  
  
"C'mon, Ron, hurry or I'll hit you again!" Ron sighed and then they both ran further into the woods.  
  
Draco saw Ron and Hermione run off, toward Voldemort and Harry. Draco, thinking quickly, did a tricky little charm that only Hermione would know of that made his voice just like Harry's.  
  
"HEY!" Draco screamed. Hermione and Ron stopped.  
  
"Harry?" Ron shouted.  
  
"Is that you, or is it Draco using a tricky little charm that only I would know of that would make his voice like Harry's?"  
  
"Damn it!" Draco hissed under his breath. "No! It's me! Hey, have you seen Malfoy? Damn him, he stole my pizza!"  
  
"Well, that's good enough for me!" Ron said as he began to walk toward Malfoy.  
  
"Wait! What if it is Draco?" Hermione hissed at him, slapping him across the face.  
  
"That is really getting annoying!" Ron snapped.  
  
"Deal with it!" Hermione retorted. "HOW DO WE KNOW IF YOU ARE HARRY?"  
  
Draco thought for a moment, but nothing came to mind. "YOU ARE GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME!"  
  
"That works for me!" Ron said, again, starting to walk to Draco. Hermione slapped him again.  
  
"STOP IT!" Ron screamed.  
  
"Hey, have you seen Malfoy? That little bastard ran off with my pizza." Hermione and Ron spun around to see Harry standing there, looking tired and annoyed.  
  
"Hey, if you are Harry.then." Ron began.  
  
"Then that's Malfoy!" Hermione finished.  
  
"MALFOY!" Harry screamed.  
  
"THAT'S THE REAL MAFOY!" Draco yelled back, getting quite nervous.  
  
"Wow, I didn't know that Harry and Malfoy were the same person!" Ron said dumbly, resulting in being slapped by Hermione yet again. He didn't complain, but he did shut up, which was good for everyone.  
  
"I AM NOT MALFOY!" Harry shouted. "NOW TELL ME WHERE THAT SCUM IS SO I CAN GET HIS PIZZA!"  
  
Hermione stared at Harry for a second, making sure it was him.  
  
"We have established that I am me.now can you tell me where that piece of shit is?"  
  
"Erm." Hermione began.  
  
"Ok!" Ron said. He then pointed to where the voice had come from. Harry nodded his thanks and then ran off, but not before he saw Ron be slapped by Hermione.  
  
Malfoy, sweating hard and shaking, quickly ran off. He did not want to have to face the Dream Team now. He had failed this time.NEVER AGAIN!  
  
"GREAT!" Hermione snapped. "WE'VE LOST HARRY AGAIN THANKS TO YOU!"  
  
"Well, let's get looking for him then!" Ron said. Hermione sighed and the two of them went deeper into the forest.  
  
DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! RUN AWAY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! EVERYONE LIKES PIZZA! RESIST THE PRESSURE! RESIST.Hey.is that a pizza I smell.hmm.let's go see.  
  
Due to the fact that the author of this fan fiction has gone searching for a pizza.I, the Great Lord Voldemort.tremble with fear.will continue writing this fan fiction.MUH-HA-HA!  
  
Somehow, Draco Malfoy managed to catch Hermione and Ron and kill them and bring that devious little bastard, Harry Potter into my.I mean.Voldemort's waiting arms.  
  
"YOU!" Harry shrieked. "That was my pizza! Grrr."  
  
I.I mean, Voldemort laughed his wonderfully evil, high-pitched, cold laugh and then sat down and began to eat a piece of the pizza. Harry Potter couldn't stand it, so he began to cry like a little girl.  
  
"THAT'S RIGHT POTTER! CRY! CRY YOUR PATHETIC EYES OUT!" Voldemort shrieked.  
  
"I want it!" Harry whined. "I want it, I want MY PIZZA!" The stupid git began to wail even louder.  
  
"YOU CANNOT WIN!" I.I mean, Voldemort hissed. "I win! Finally! I win! Yes!"  
  
"Go-Voldie, Go-Voldie! It's your Birthday, It's your Birthday!" Draco chanted happily.  
  
"Nice of you to mention, Malfoy! It is my birthday!" Voldemort said. "And, what I want more than anything is for Harry Potter to die!"  
  
HEY YOU! VOLDIE! GET OUT OF HERE! THIS IS MY FANFIC, YOU HEAR! LEAVE! OUT, OUT, OUT!  
  
Damn, and when it was just getting good too!  
  
Hey all! I found a pizza and I am all set to finish this nonsense.here we go!  
  
All of the sudden, Hermione and Ron, since Voldemort didn't kill them dead, jumped out of nowhere and killed Voldemort by tackling him and pinching his cheek. Harry was back to normal and very confused.  
  
"What? Where-where am I?" he asked. Hermione slapped Ron.  
  
"WHAT? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING! WHY? It's so wrong!"  
  
"Harry, promise me one thing.never.EVER.order a pizza again.ok?" Hermione asked. Harry was confused but agreed. Hermione smiled.  
  
"Let's go back to Hogwarts," Ron said. The three of them suddenly knew their way through the forest and returned safely to the school. They forgot about Malfoy for some strange reason and never reported him.  
  
"WAIT!" Voldemort shrieked. "I'M NOT DEAD!" He pounded his fist to the ground. Stupid children don't even care to see if he's dead or not. How rude. I mean, he only was the Dark Lord.show some damn respect and at least check if he was dead. Kids need to learn some respect for their elders.and their enemies whose soul purpose is to bring chaos in their lives and try to kill them.  
  
"I WILL GET YOU, POTTER!"  
  
"I, for one, am really glad this pizza thing is over!" Hermione said at breakfast the next morning.  
  
"Me too," Harry said. "I still can't believe the fool did the same thing two times.what a git!"  
  
"Very true." Ron said, nodding in agreement. "I am also glad that I made Hermione sign a contract the forbids her from slapping me ever again!" Hermione shot him a nasty look and Ron whimpered.  
  
"PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST EVERYONE!" Dumbledore shouted. Harry began to shake and then he passed out.  
  
"What?" Dumbledore asked. "What did I do?"  
  
"Nothing.he just doesn't like pizza all that much," Hermione said as she and Ron began to carry Harry (carry Harry.hehehehe) out of the Great Hall.  
  
When Harry woke up, he was in the hospital wing. Hermione and Ron were sitting over him and the sun was setting.  
  
"Hiya Harry!" Ron said, waving at him.  
  
"Hi," Harry said, feeling a little dazed.  
  
"I do hope you are alright," Hermione said.  
  
"Erm.I'm fine.I guess," Harry said.  
  
"Yeah, that's good!" Ron said.  
  
'You know, the author really needs to end this soon cause there really isn't much left for us to do," Hermione commented.  
  
"Yeah!" Ron agreed.  
  
"Hey, let's go attack the author and force feed her pizza!" Harry said, all of the sudden feeling much better.  
  
"GOOD IDEA!" Hermione and Ron shouted.  
  
The three of them ran out of the Hospital Wing and came to the authors neighborhood, where the proceeded to force feed her pizza and slap her across the face until she vowed not to make a sequel to this story.  
  
Therefore, this is the end of the pizza story.and there will not be a part three.  
  
Or will there, we never know with these things.maybe being force fed pizza isn't such a bad thing after all. 


	3. The Mystical Yellow Pages

Welcome to the thrilling climax of the highly exciting, very entertaining, wonderfully delightful, terribly exhilarating, tear jerking, awe inspiring, true story of the Pizza Story! Actually, it isn't based on a true story, it's based on a hungry person who was sick with the flu and wanted pizza's brilliant idea to give the same craving to all the peoples of the Hogwarts.I can guarantee that you will laugh, cry, scream, and awe at the brilliance and the deepness of this thrilling third part.however.this is NOT a money back guarantee, so no, you will not be stealing my money at this time. Anyways, we all know how the pizza story got started, and if you don't, then go back to CHAPTER ONE you sissy.yes, all by your onesy's! Go on! LEAVE!  
  
And we all know how the second part went.if not.GO BACK TO SQUARE TWO, you lily livered pansy! And now.the moment you've all been waiting for, the beginning of the end, of the Pizza Story.or maybe I am lying and will continue writing this well thought out story.yeah.well thought out.this took a lot of brain power.and if you don't think so.then.you suck you momma's boy/girl/whatever you may be other than the previous two.  
  
Our story begins with our three favorite wizards.and.erm.witch.  
  
Yes! Draco, Luna and Neville! Well.actually, Harry, Hermione and Ron. Finally, Harry had lost all thoughts of pizzas, and thankfully, didn't order another meat lovers pizza. Ron was as mindless as ever and Hermione was being her almost annoyingly clever self. They were watching the squid surface in the lake below.  
  
"So." Ron said, staring stupidly into the misty lake. He, thankfully, had not been slapped ever since the contract that Hermione signed. ".you excited for the summer?"  
  
Harry rolled his eyes and gave him a you've-got-to-be-f-ing-kidding-me type of look, and Hermione nodded.  
  
"Back to the hell hole." Harry sighed.  
  
"Hopefully they don't order a pizza!" Ron said stupidly. Harry glared. He never wanted to hear about pizza again.  
  
"Ha ha." Hermione said in a mock, laugh type of voice that said, wow, what a lame comment. Ron blushed and looked at his feet, which had become quite fascinating to him all of the sudden.  
  
Meanwhile.dun dun dun.you know what that means.that is right! A new character has come into our story.and who deserves the "dun dun dun" more than.  
  
"YES ME!" Voldemort said as he did the I-am-special-and-happy dance which mainly was a raising and lowering of two extended index fingers and a lifting of the legs up and down and turning in cute, little circles.  
  
"Master.could you, erm.like.stop that.you look like a fag, or queer or.whatever you wanna call it." a random and unimportant Death Eater said behind his mask.  
  
"Gay?" Voldemort asked, twitching.  
  
"There you go! That's it! Rock on!" he said happily.  
  
Voldemort turned and killed him straight away.which is why we used an unimportant Death Eater so when book six comes out, it won't come back to haunt us.yes.SCHITZO is I.leave me and my other selves alone to write this fic.  
  
He coughed and then turned to his alive Death Eaters, looking very serious.and asked a most important question.  
  
"Who wants pizza?"  
  
His Death Eaters stared, blinked, with the occasional anime sweat drop that is huge on the back of the head that looks like it could kill a small animal, not knowing what to say to this. A wrong answer could get you killed in this joint. So, the mumbled stupidly, which made Voldemort a little angry, but not enough to kill anyone dead yet.  
  
"Fine.don't answer then!" he whined, crossing his arms over his chest. "Not that your responses would have mattered to me anyways. I just ask for your input to make this feel like a welcoming group. But if you don't want to give it, you can just follow my orders like mindless cows." he muttered. Then, Voldemort cleared his throat and said "The important thing is that I do! So get me some damnit!" He banged his fist into the near by table. He was angry. He wanted his pizza.  
  
He tried his plan of pizza on Harry Potter once again, but something went wrong and now he was craving pizza. The spell must have.backfired.but it wasn't fatal.give him pizza and he is as safe as a baby T-rex...  
  
The Death Eaters mumbled again and then nodded and left to search for pizza. However, there was no.  
  
"YELLOW PAGES!?" a Death Eater shouted. "GONE!?" He sank to his knees and let out a huge "NOOOO!" in a Pedro style and then wept for an hour before going bird watching.  
  
But anyways, there wasn't a yellow pages to be found and Voldemort was upset.  
  
"HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?" he shrieked, letting all his anger out in a horror struck voice.  
  
"Erm.dunno." said Malfoy, "but we could steal one.after all.we are all outlaws and such.it wouldn't ruin anything if we stole one."  
  
"Brilliant!" Voldemort shouted. "NOW my LOYAL Death Eaters! Off you trot! This is the Quest.for the Holy.YELLOW PAGES!"  
  
"Yay, yay.woo-hoo.yay," they chanted as the departed on their quest.  
  
Meanwhile.another shift in the story.back to our favorite peoples besides all the other better peoples out there.  
  
Hermione was now in the library with Harry. Ron would have come but all the big words like "The", "Big", "Book", "Of" and "Sorta" were too scary for his simple mind. Harry was searching the shelves when something fell onto his toe.  
  
"OWWWWW!" he screamed, resulting in Madam Pince yelling in a raspy, hushed, icky voice "SHHHH! This is a LIBRARY!"  
  
Harry picked up the yellow book and read. "The.Yellow.Pages." off the cover. Strange book to be in a library in a school for wizards, he thought. Harry flipped through the pages and found a note.  
  
Do not let this fall into the wrong hands. If the Dark Lord gets this book, the world will face an ultimate doom.  
  
Harry cocked his head and stared, "Sheesh, it's only a frickin' phone book.but whatever this weird little piece of paper says." He rolled his eyes and tucked the book under his arm.  
  
Little did he know.(dun dun dun.yes.this is dun worthy) that a certain "Malfoy" was watching him for his father, for Voldemort.  
  
Malfoy smirked and scribbled something down on a piece of parchment. His punishment for his mistake wasn't all that severe. All he had to do was take a bath in lava.which was pretty good compared to last time. He shuddered, not a happy memory.  
  
He departed for the owlery and then sent the note to his dearest daddy.  
  
Meanwhile.yes, this is a good word, Harry and Hermione started studying in the library out of the books Hermione had found, which were really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really THICK!  
  
Yes, they were thick.very thick!  
  
Anyways, Harry could hardly keep to the books, that Yellow Pages was still on his mind. Why was a phone book so important.and who would be "the wrong hands?" I mean, was Voldie planning to prank call every muggle with his Death Eaters and then giggle about it?  
  
He opened the book again when he was in bed and saw that the page where the note was hidden.  
  
It was the PIZZA PAGE!  
  
Dun Dun Dun!  
  
I bet you wanna know what happens.  
  
WELL TOO FRICKIN' BAD! Unlike you people, I have a life.or do I? I have to sleep.eat.and even.watch anime.and write songs about random topics such as.Chemistry! OH NO!  
  
So you'll just have to wait and see what happens.  
  
So there.cause this is far from over.  
  
Will it even end? Ever? I dunno.wanna find out?  
  
I bet you do.  
  
Please R&R.much obliged! Wow.spelled that right (or so says Word Processor) the first try! Go me!  
  
Anyways, rock on and see you.well.hopefully never unless you are stalking me.  
  
Are you?  
  
That's not cool.  
  
You shouldn't be doing that.  
  
How rude.  
  
*blushes* Turns and leaves you all by your oneseys! 


	4. The PlanOF EVIL!

Welcome to the middle of the end of the fabulous pizza story.! This story is about, truth, liberty, justice.and who am I kidding? There is no point.just read if you feel the need to.but beware.may induce cravings for pizza.  
  
Harry sat staring at the Yellow Pages for a half an hour, thinking about his discovery.  
  
"Pizza.?" he asked to himself. What the hell? It didn't make sense, things had been quiet for a while now. Why now? Why pizza? Why did it have to be pizza?  
  
And also, why was this Yellow Pages so special? I mean, a million of these things are printed every single day!  
  
Harry took the logical assumption that one day, the Yellow Pages company was working merrily when a bunch of magical, rampaging hippos ran in and destroyed each and every factory world wide and then cursed the other Yellow Pages books to burst into flames and then have the ashes disappear. However, this one was special and survived.  
  
That must be it, he thought. Gotta be.  
  
Meanwhile, back in his secret hide-away, Voldemort paced up and down, shaking madly from pizza depravation.  
  
"WHERE?" he shrieked, hitting a table. He felt like a junkie.or something. It was awful.  
  
"I.HATE.SOUR CROUT!" (wait, actually, that is a Weird Al song) What he really said was "I.Want.PIZZA!" so loudly that you could hear it in Japan. Now that all the Japanese can ponder on that one, we'll move on.  
  
Malfoy skipped in and then handed him a piece of paper. Voldemort smirked at his faithful death eater and threw a cookie to the ground. Malfoy smiled and jumped at the cookie and ate it. Yum.  
  
Voldemort muttered, "Good boy" as he opened the folded parchment. It said.  
  
Potter's got the phone book...not the green glowy thing, the phone book.  
  
Draco Malfoy  
  
Voldemort started giggling, which became a laugh, and then a shriek.which was utterly disturbing. Especially for Malfoy who was happily munching his cookie on the floor until this point. The cookie fell out of his mouth and he cocked his head, staring.  
  
Meanwhile, Hermione and Ron were sleeping, and so was Harry.  
  
Draco stared at the dungeon wall, proud of his work as a spy. Maybe he would get a cookie.he thought, a sly grin crossing his lips. That would be pretty damn cool. Pretty, damn, cool.  
  
Voldemort was still shaking, but he knew were to go. He would have to get Harry Potter to give him the book. Curse him and offer him pizza.no! Damn, he didn't even have pizza, which is why he was shaking and which was why he needed Potter to give him the blasted book!  
  
He composed a list:  
  
Ask him for the book.then torture him and kill him. Give him a cookie Kill him and take the book Give him a POISIONOUS cookie Put on a mini skirt and seduce him so he gives you the book and then kill him Give him a REALLY big poisonous cookie Have Wormtail do a lap dance to distract Harry Potter while I take the book and kill him Give him two cookies with poisonous cream filling, yum! ^_^ Kidnap Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger and then take book  
  
Voldemort looked at his list and scowled, smirking a bit at number five.  
  
"I could get the outfit from Wormtail.bloody cross-dresser.but no! Alas, that is low." he said, sighing. Then, he looked at 2, 4, 6, and 8. Those all might work, he thought. Cookies are good.who can resist a cookie.?  
  
Then, an idea struck him.  
  
THE TOP SECRET PLAN OF ULTIMATE DOOM!  
  
Do not read,  
  
Very secret  
  
Members only can read  
  
I don't think you are a member  
  
So go away you ass!  
  
Plan:  
  
Kidnap Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger and tie them back to back and hang them upside down from a tree branch over a pool of hot lava in the hide out. Write a ransom note to Harry Potter, leaving a meeting place for the Death Eaters to bring him to me. Harry Potter brings his book and then sees his friends in distress. I ask him for the book. He says no so I lower his friends a bit. I ask again, this time, offering a cookie that just so happens to be poisonous. Unsure, he says no and his friends are lowered even more. He begins to crack as I offer him two whole cookies. Wanting to save his friends, and get some cookies, he gives me the book. I throw him the cookies. As soon as he takes a bite, I drop his friends to their fiery deaths and then torture and kill Harry Potter. One way of torture.Wormtail's lap dance.  
  
It was perfect, he thought merrily to himself as he giggled, laughed and the shrieked again. Malfoy, utterly disturbed, again.  
  
Hermione and Ron were walking alone outside to see Hagrid. A very stressed Harry told them to leave him alone, so alas.they bugged him for an hour and then left him alone. Friends must do what friends must do.  
  
"So." Ron said. "We are seeing Hagrid." Hermione rolled her eyes and controlled the urge to slap him. Damn legal documentation, she thought.  
  
"OY! You over there!" someone called. Hermione turned and looked to see.  
  
OMG! What did she see? Well.I guess we'll never know.that is until I feel like writing the end of the end of the pizza story.or maybe it's only the end of the end of the somewhat beginning of the pizza story.or maybe it will just be the middle of the pizza story!  
  
Who knows? Who cares? No one is reviewing anyways.not true.some peoples are.I want a double-digit review number! *sniff, sniff*. See how pathetic I am? Pity me and please review.I await your comments! Except for yours.well.that's not true either.sigh.I am done now.see you later!  
  
Cause I saw you in my trash can last night.you stalker you.*shame shame!* 


	5. Sugar Cookies and Lava

Howdy! Yeah...been a while huh? I mean, cobwebs are growing on this piece of shit that I have the nerve to call "fan fiction". Anyway, malfoyelf has been on my case to update this damn thing, so here I am...updating...and how long has it been? More than a week...that's for sure...probably.  
  
So yeah...here is the probably final piece to the incredible story of pizza...ahh who am I kidding. Y'all have forsaken me...thought this day would never come...that this story was done...over...and you all made up your own endings to that gripping cliff hanger I left for you...  
  
Was it a cliffy? I refuse to go back and read it so I will just guess what I was rambling on about. Here we go.  
  
Here's a disclaimer thing: If y'all don't like cussing, or y'all like your intelligence...then I suggest you leave cause this story may be offensive...or may be just stupid...but if you are willing to drop your IQ down ten points...then have a fun time reading! ^_^  
  
The secret lair of Voldemort. Pretty scary, Hermione thought as she looked around the holding cell.  
  
"Flower print?" Ron gasped as he was thrown roughly into the prison cell. "Fluffy carpet? You have GOT to be kidding me!"  
  
"Um...I thought it looked nice...," Lucius Malfoy said.  
  
"YOU picked this?" Hermione asked, completely baffled. "No fucking way."  
  
"Um...actually I..." he began, his eyes lingering on the sparkly fluffy carpet.  
  
"BUT YOU ARE A MALFOY!" Ron said, mocking the great Lucius Malfoy.  
  
"HEY! SHUT UP!"  
  
"YOU PICKED PINK!"  
  
"LIGHTISH RED!"  
  
"STOP QUOTING 'RED VS BLUE!'" Hermione shouted.  
  
Lucius and Ron stared at her blankly for a moment and then sighed, nodding in agreement. Lucius glared at the red head and then left. Ron glared at the door for a while until Hermione told him the Malfoy had left.  
  
"So...erm...now what?" Ron asked. Hermione ignored him and was staring at something across the room.  
  
"What the fuck is that?" Ron asked.  
  
"Computer!" Hermione squealed. Ron cocked his head and stared.  
  
"Looks like a box..." Ron said.  
  
"Nah-ah! It could be the key to our survival!" Hermione said.  
  
"Ok...so turn it on..." Ron snapped. Hermione started looking on the monitor and the computer, and it seemed to be taking a long time.  
  
"Oh come on, genius!" Ron said. "You lived in the muggle world...you should know how to use a muggle...erm...thingy!"  
  
"Wow...you almost made an intelligent sentence..." she said, shaking her head. "You know Ron...most of the readers think I am a perfect student...but there was one class I failed..."  
  
Ron gasped.  
  
There was a dramatic drum roll...then it stopped and all was silent. "It was computers..." she said softly. Ron fell to the ground and shouted "NOOOO!"  
  
"Yeah...I know...it ruined my GPA..." she sighed. Ron glared. "Not that you fool! We can't leave this pink prison of hell!"  
  
"Hey...I like pink!" Hermione stated.  
  
"Well...you're a girl...I'm a guy...therefore I can't like pink..."  
  
"That's sexist..." she said, her eyes narrowing.  
  
"Um...yeah..." Ron said.  
  
"You suck..." she said, turning around and trying to make the computer do something.  
  
Harry walked around aimlessly outside Hogwarts when he stumbled upon...  
  
"OH MY GOD!" he shouted. "What the fuck?" He picked up the flashlight and stared. "How pointless...this damned author won't let me find anything useful!" he snapped. "What good is a flashlight that won't work on the castle grounds?"  
  
"Maybe it's a clue..." the author suggested.  
  
"To what? Does it look like I am playing Sherlock Holmes?"  
  
"Not really...do you want to? I could help you out there and give you a hat, a pipe and a magnifying glass..."  
  
"Look! I am wondering around the grounds! That means I am trying to avoid doing anything...meaning I want to sit in a cozy abyss of nothingness and...do nothing! Got it!?"  
  
"Um...look over there..."  
  
"No"  
  
"Hey...I am the author! Right now...I am god! When I say look over there, you look over there!"  
  
"So much for nothingness..." Harry said and he turned his head to look over there.  
  
And he saw Hermione's copy of "Hogwarts, a History" lying on the ground.  
  
"Holy shit!"  
  
"I know!"  
  
"Hey! Who said you could insert yourself into the story..." Harry asked.  
  
"Oh...right...I was just leaving..." the author said.  
  
Harry rushed over to the book and then clenched his fist. "How dare she defile such a noble history of our school..." But wait! Maybe she didn't mean to...what if something happened to her. And Ron?...no...just her...Ron is unimportant. Maybe she was kidnapped...or more likely, the book learned how to fly and took them to Iran.  
  
Harry ran to the school to get help...but he was stopped...stopped by Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Howdy Potter..." he smirked.  
  
"Since when was this a western! Don't change the stupid genre! It's bad enough that there isn't a plot! Take away the genre and this becomes the worst piece of shit ever written!"  
  
"You forget Hillary Clinton's book..." Draco mentioned.  
  
"Oh right...my bad. The second worst piece of shit ever written! Anyway, what the heck are you doing out here so late?"  
  
"I'm looking for my flashlight!" Draco stated happily.  
  
"Um...why the fuck do you have a flashlight?" Harry asked.  
  
"Good question!"  
  
"Right..."  
  
"Anyway...um...your friends were kidnapped...by..."  
  
"Let me guess...Voldemort..." Harry sighed.  
  
Draco gasped, with a sincere shock. "How on earth did you...?"  
  
"Who else would bother? You're a Death eater...tell me what he wants..." Harry said.  
  
"That's what I am here for...he wants the phone book..." Draco said.  
  
"Um...can't he just buy one from the Phone Company or go on line?" Harry asked.  
  
"Stop putting holes in the plot!" Draco snapped.  
  
"What plot?" Harry asked.  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Right...so he wants the phone book..." Harry said, leaning against the wall. "Why?"  
  
"Um...to make a call? How the hell should I know? Look...why not go over there and give him the damned book and get your friends back? What? You reading it? I mean...it's not that interesting! It has less of a plot than this..."  
  
"ENOUGH OF THE PLOT JOKES! I GET IT! I SUCK! I'LL WRITE A SERIOUS STORY LATER WHERE THE IS LOVE, ANGST, DEATH, BLOOD and PLOT!"  
  
"Wow...the author is seriously depressed..." Draco commented.  
  
"No kidding..." Harry said. "Well...I guess I am off..."  
  
"Have a good time!" Draco called.  
  
Harry turned and looked at him with utter disgust before entering the Forbidden Forest.  
  
Hermione found the on button.  
  
"YAY!" Ron shouted. Then, he stared at her... "Now what?"  
  
"Now we...erm...go online and e-mail Dumbledore..."  
  
"Oh right...like he has a computer..." Ron said, rolling his eyes.  
  
"Ok...looks like Malfoy has AOL...I guess we sign on..." Hermione said, clicking the AOL button. The screen name popped up and she gasped.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy is Luscious_Malfoy?" she said with complete shock. Ron entered a giggle fit and collapsed on the floor. Hermione blinked and stared at the screen. "Wow..." she said.  
  
"No shit!" Ron said.  
  
"Well...let's just sign on..." Hermione said, trying to put on a straight face. She clicked the sign on button and instantly, she was bombarded by IM's from both men and women wanting...erm...interesting services. After five minutes, she found an away message and put it up.  
  
"Ok...now to find email..." Hermione started when the door opened.  
  
"Voldemort will see you now..."  
  
"Um...Hermione is busy so I'll go..." Ron said.  
  
The Death Eater's stared at him, confused, but then nodded and dragged the redhead out of the room. Hermione didn't care and then went to the email.  
  
Voldemort sat on a black throne. He smirked a lipless smirk as Ron entered.  
  
Ron laid eyes on the hideous Dark Lord for the first time. "EWWWWWWW! GROSS! Get it a way! Get it a way!"  
  
Voldemort narrowed his eyes as Ron squirmed at disgust at his appearance. "SHUT UP!"  
  
Ron shut up and stared at the evilness of the Dark Lord. "Um...you are really ugly..."  
  
"I know..." Voldemort sighed... "I tried Rogaine and everything...didn't work..."  
  
"Hair would help...but I think the whole Michael Jackson look makes you look creepy and like a pedophile."  
  
"Yah think!?"  
  
"Totally!" Ron shouted .  
  
"Kid...you are honest...stupid...but honest...people could call your stupidity bravery...but I can see you for what you are...a big, useless idiot. But hey, that's ok. All my minions are that way, so you would fit right in..."  
  
"That's nice, but I'm not into tattoos..." Ron said.  
  
"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright...." Voldemort said. This kid was a big idiot. Oh well...just keep the lame ass talking and maybe he would say something useful.  
  
"So..boy...do you know anything...important?" he asked smoothly.  
  
"Erm...yes! I know the George W. Bush...y'know...the American President man...he found Weapons of Mass Destruction, Osama Bin Ladin and Jesus in one shot...and they were all on the moon!"  
  
Voldemort stared for a moment and then asked what everyone is thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about? Osama is in the Middle East, Sadam had the WMD's and Jesus is in heaven!"  
  
"Nah-ah..." Ron said defiantly. "You people sometimes forget that I am all knowing!"  
  
"What drugs are you on, kid?" Voldemort asked, rubbing his forehead. This kid is the dumbest thing since Wormtail.  
  
"Um...none that I know of...? Do you have any?" Ron asked.  
  
"Um...no..."  
  
Harry exited the Forbidden Forest in five minutes because I am the author and I deemed it so! Yay! I am helpful!  
  
"Don't go and get cocky..." Harry muttered as he continued walking.  
  
Want me to take you to the base?  
  
"Sure..." Harry said.  
  
Say it...  
  
"No."  
  
Say it...or I will send you to the moon...I heard Osama, Jesus and WMD's are there...  
  
"Never..."  
  
Fine, then you are so going to the moon...you'll die up there...  
  
"FINE! VI1 IS THE GREATEST AUTHOR EVER AND HAS NICE HAIR!" Harry screamed.  
  
Thank you! Suddenly, Harry was standing outside the ever so secret base of Voldemort.  
  
"Guarded by a white picket fence..." Harry commented. "How lame..."  
  
Harry stepped through the gate and then went up to the door.  
  
"Hey author man...will you make me immortal?" Harry asked.  
  
Not a chance.  
  
"Damn! Oh well...it was worth a shot..." Harry said and then entered the base.  
  
No one noticed.  
  
Hermione found Dumbledore's email on Malfoy's buddy list.  
  
"Oh my fucking god..." she said.  
  
"BumblyDumbly" she said. "That is his sn...how sad..."  
  
She started typing...  
  
Hey you! We were kidnapped and need some help!  
  
She clicked send.  
  
An IM just popped up and it was from BumblyDumbly.  
  
Hey...you could just IM...e-mail is slow...where are you?  
  
Umm...I am in Voldie's place...find me and save me!  
  
Working on it...  
  
Work faster...  
  
Oh...I think Harry is going to save you  
  
Oh...cool...so I chill here for a while...  
  
Yup  
  
K  
  
C'ya in class...  
  
^_^  
  
Hermione leaned back and sighed...Harry would save her...yay!  
  
Dumbledore leaned back...he wondered who he was talking to. It didn't sound like Lucius...  
  
Harry saw Voldemort. And Voldemort saw him.  
  
"Hello Potter..." he said.  
  
"Hey...um...can I have my friends back?" Harry asked.  
  
"Roll a bluff check..." Voldemort said. Harry sighed and pulled out D&D dice and rolled. He got a Critical Failure. "oh...guess not..." Voldemort said.  
  
"DAMN YOU DICE!" he screamed and the threw them into the random lava pit. He noticed that Ron and Hermione were hanging upside down from a rope above it.  
  
"HI HARRY!" Ron shouted and beamed at him.  
  
"Um...hi..." Harry said. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Hanging out..." Hermione said, trying to be clever.  
  
"Wow...that was the corniest line so far..." Harry said.  
  
"I have to agree..." Voldemort said. Hermione frowned and looked away.  
  
"So...Harry...make a choice...do you want your friends to die...or will you give me that book...?" Voldemort asked.  
  
"Um...give you the book..." Harry said, throwing the book on the ground and stepping on it.  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"Um yeah....I don't want it..." Harry shrugged.  
  
"You won't fight me on this?" Voldemort asked, confused.  
  
"Nope..."  
  
"Humor me?"  
  
"Nope..."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No...now let them go..." Harry said.  
  
"Um...give me the book..."  
  
"Fine...but let them down first..." Harry said.  
  
Voldemort was clearly mad. He spent a whole five minutes on that plan and now Harry wouldn't even follow it! How dare he!  
  
"Humor me and I'll give you a cookie..." Voldemort said.  
  
Harry opened his mouth to say no, but then thought...I like cookies.  
  
"What kind?" Harry asked.  
  
"Whatever you like..." Voldemort said.  
  
"WEEEEEEEEE!" Ron said as he started swinging back and forth on the rope. Hermione screamed in fear.  
  
"Remind me...why am I saving them?" Harry asked.  
  
"Cause you are the good guy and that's what good guys do..."  
  
"Oh..." Harry said. "Well...give me a sugar cookie...and I'll give you the book, but I'll fight you a bit with stunning dialect just so you can get your kicks and then you will let them go..."  
  
"Ok..." Voldemort said. He grabbed a sugar cookie that just so happened to be poisoned and threw it to Harry.  
  
"Hey!" Ron shouted. "Cookie...!" He swung over and caught the cookie in his mouth. "MMm....sugar!"  
  
"DAMN! THAT WAS THE LAST POISONED SUGAR COOKIE WE HAD! WORMTAIL! GO GET MORE!"  
  
"Yes...master..." he said as he left for the store.  
  
"HEY! POISONED?"  
  
"Um...duh! I hate you and want you to die...slowly..." Voldemort said.  
  
"Oh...yeah.... I kinda forgot..." Harry said.  
  
"But ha ha! Now your friend shall die! You are responsible! How do you feel!? Cry, mourn! You are responsible for another death!"  
  
"Meh..." Harry shrugged.  
  
"What? Meh? All you say is Meh?"  
  
"Um...yeah..." Harry said. "You know...he'll probably come back to life..."  
  
"Hey! I'm not dead!"  
  
"You will be! Feel the pain!"  
  
"I feel happy! I feel Happy!"  
  
"stop with the Monty Python thing!" Hermione screeched.  
  
"But in all seriousness...I feel fine..." Ron said.  
  
"Damn..." Voldemort said. "Give me the phone book and I'll give you your posse back..."  
  
"Coolio!" Harry said.  
  
Voldemort freed his captives and Harry tossed him the phone book! Voldemort hugged it and dashed off to go order a pizza.  
  
"Hey, author man! Can you take us to Hogwarts?" Harry asked.  
  
I guess...jeez...what do I look like, a bus?  
  
"Maybe...just get us there!" Hermione said.  
  
They ended up at Hogwarts and all was well. Somehow, Draco got his flash light to work and shined it in their eyes, which was terribly annoying, but they pretended he didn't exist and went to the Tower.  
  
"Thanks for saving us..." Hermione said.  
  
"You're welcome..." Harry said. "It's not like I had anything better to do."  
  
"I want more cookies..." Ron pouted.  
  
"Maybe we can find a working poisoned cookie..." Harry suggested.  
  
"I'll go to the kitchen with you..." Hermione said. "hey Ron, go back to the Common Room and we'll bring you some..."  
  
"Yay!" he said and dashed up the stairs.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
The doorbell rang and the pizza guy was there. All was in order...Voldemort received his pizza! His source of power!  
  
Dun dun dun!  
  
Is it over? Most likely...all things considered...I mean...I didn't even want to write this one...so it is unlikely that another one shall rear it's ugly head.  
  
So that's it...my story is complete...and as promised...I'll be trying to do a serious one...  
  
Or at least one with a plot...maybe....  
  
Or maybe I will break my word...  
  
Speaking of pizza...I am eating that now...cept this pizza is all gross...so sad...I hope Voldemort's is ok, otherwise he may end up going on a rampage to destroy the pizza industry...  
  
Hehe...I like destroying things!  
  
The moral of the story is...  
  
Bombs go Boom! *that was for the Chibi and the MalfoyElf...and maybe the I_Love_Oprah_Harry...* 


End file.
